Posted 1:00am, Wednesday, December 24, 2003

The year-end restlessness is hitting me again, so of course I decided to redesign the sight from top to bottom. The new look will most likely be going live on January 1st. I'll roll out the photologue and illustration pages as I finish them. Hopefully everything will be done at the same time, but you never know.

 

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Can someone explain the commercial appeal of Shaquille O'Neal to me?

I have no doubt that he’s a talented basketball player. I can’t really confirm this though; I don’t watch basketball (BASEBALL is the American pastime my friends). He is an oafish, awkward actor, yet for some odd reason, they keep giving him film and TV roles.

Last week, I saw a listing for “Kazaam,” an awlful movie where Shaq played a genie. Why would any self-respecting man wear a ridiculous genie get-up with a turban and fold his arms across his chest? Wouldn’t you just look at the title of the script and throw it in the trash?

I’m a big comic book fan, but why have Shaq play “Steel,” an off-shoot of Superman? Even superhero movies need some subtlety. I know he’s a Supe’s fan; he’s got the “S” tattooed on his arm. So what? He can’t fucking act.

I guess I can’t lay all the blame at Hollywood’s feet. Marketers are just as guilty. I’ve seen Shaq in commercials for Radio Shack, Nestea, Nestle’s Crunch, Burger King and that terrible dot com campaign with the talking baby.

If Shaq was a guy off the street, casting agents would send him to auditions for bouncer roles. He is Bigfoot without the charm. He’s definitely a mouth-breather. I imagine him destroying crystal as he walks through a china shop. He scares babies.

Who does this guy appeal to? When kids see him shake that candy machine to get the last Nestle Crunch bar, do they want one of their own? When you hear him say, “Man, I gotta get a Whopper,” do you crave one for yourself? Do you believe Shaq even surfs the web without someone’s assistance? Please.

Is it a star-fucker thing? Do filmmakers and ad agency guys want to get close to a sports star? Why would anyone in his right mind write a part for Shaquille O’Neal? He has all the acting chops of Rerun on “What’s Happening” (God rest his soul).

For the love of God, there are great actors out there who are waiting tables and Shaq is taking food out of their mouths!

He must be stopped. Like Hitler.

Speaking of people who must be stopped….

Oprah.

Why does she wield so much power? How do you reach this plateau where Tom Hanks is giving you an honorary Emmy? How do you get to that place where Steven Spielberg, Brian Grazer and Brad Pitt are on their feet applauding you? Surely, her performance in “The Color Purple” was not enough to help create this groundswell.

How do you become head of this media empire? Martha Stewart I get. She can make stuff, she uses her hands, she teaches cooking. She can sponge walls for a decorative effect.

I’ll admit, Oprah does good works. She tries to help people, but does that mean I should follow her life advice? There are a lot of people who do good deeds and no one listens to them.

Oprah just gives her opinion. Her fucking opinion. She speaks, the Oprah army mobilizes. She recommends a book, it becomes a bestseller. She says she’s scared of mad cow disease and beef sales fall through the floor. Cattlemen sue!

Don’t piss off Oprah if you’re a writer. It’s akin to upsetting Don Corleone. You will be a pariah. Publishers will shun you like you have the plague. They will cross the street to get away from you. Guys will walk away from you in the prison yard, as Oprah approaches, shiv in palm.

Thus spoke Oprah.

Is it Dr. Phil? Who is Dr. Phil? Why does he have his own show? Should I be crying? Shit, ask Oprah. After all, her name is Harpo spelled backwards.

Yup, she’s named after a Marx Brother. The mute one.

Maybe she should follow suit. (I’ll never work in this town again!)

 

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BTW, a few weeks ago I mentioned that my doctor advised me to lose some weight, lest I give myself a coronary in 15 years. I went on Atkins and after seven weeks I'm down 30 pounds. That's no bullshit number either; I was weighed in the doctor's office both times.

I took a day off here and there, but for the most part, I've stuck to the plan. Furthermore, despite the amount of red meat I've been eating, my blood pressure went down and three rounds of blood tests show my cholesterol to be good as well.

So think of that jpeg of me in the upper right hand corner to be the "Before" picture.

 

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