The new Fall season is upon us. No, I’m not talking Autumn fashions. I mean the new prime time network shows.

I remember as a kid, looking forward to picking up TV Guide’s Fall Preview issue. (Funny how the TV Guide is pretty much rendered obsolete these days with the advent of scrollable listings on cable and satellite systems, but, hey, that’s another story).

As critics have been crying for the last decade, broadcast TV may be dead. Cable is where all the action is these days.

While everyone agrees that HBO kicks ass, I need to point out that I’m not a big fan of their popular shows. I think “The Sopranos” is okay, but it just feels a bit too familiar. It’s like Scorsese got together with DeNiro and cooked up “Analyze This” crossed with “Goodfellas.”

“Sex in the City” is clearly a chick’s show. A friend conjectures that they watch it for the empowerment of women turning the tables; using men as sex objects. That, or fashion and earring tips.

“Six Feet Under” holds no interest for me either. Call me crazy, but I have no interest in watching a family that runs a mortuary, no matter how quirky they are.

However, I absolutely love “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It is the funniest show on TV, which is not surprising considering it comes from Larry David. One recent review called it funnier than “Seinfeld.” Not sure I agree on that one yet, but it’s gaining.

I take delight in watching Larry dig himself into deeper and deeper holes with each episode. My wife said she can’t watch it any more because it makes her so uncomfortable to see how he gets himself into hot water. Which is exactly the point: the audience squirms at every stupid decision he makes. Another great thing about this show is that it’s a solid half-hour, no commercials.

Meanwhile, USA has the tremendously entertaining “Monk.” Tony Shaloub finally has a showcase for his comedic skills. He’s one of the guys I root for to find their starring vehicle. David Allen Grier and Bonnie Hunt are still looking for their's.

ABC is so desperate for programming, they’re running re-runs of “Monk.” Rumor has it that Disney’s Michael Eisner’s trying to swing a first run deal with Barry Diller at USA. Fat chance. Why would USA want to give up a kick-ass show?

“Friends” is dying a slow death on NBC and they’ve spun off “Law & Order” to the nth degree. A formula which CBS is only too happy to recreate with “CSI.”

“Frasier” is the only NBC show that still maintains a high writing standard. The laughs are still there and that’s all that matters.
Over at CBS, they have the gall to set a medical show in San Francisco (“Presidio Med”) and not include any Asian cast members. A hospital in San Francisco without ANY Chinese doctors!?! I’m sorry, but I can’t suspend my disbelief that much.

It seems like Fox is the only broadcast network worth watching with regularity anymore. Perhaps because they’re still seen as a bit of an underdog, they manage to surprise and entertain with shows that exceed the minimum requirements for action and laughter.

They added to their already strong line up of shows (“The Simpsons,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “Futurama,” etc) last year with “24,” “The Bernie Mac Show” and “Grounded for Life.” Sure they let some almost as many good ones get away (“Undeclared,” “The Tick,” and “Greg the Bunny”), but their batting average is the best of the networks.

Commercially speaking, they scored with “American Idol.” I shamefully admit I watched each week to see who would win. The song selection was horrible, but a few of the participants had chops (Tamyra and Kelly). But every time I watched Justin sing, I felt like I was watching a stage revue on Carnival Cruise Line. What the Hell is Paula Abdul doing here? Thank God for Simon Cowell and his honest opinions. He only spoke what we felt.

All of the above proves one thing: I watch too much TV.

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A few months ago, everyone was going on and on about Halle Berry and Denzel Washington’s duel Oscar wins. “What a huge step forward for African-Americans” and so on and so forth.

Yeah, yeah.

What about my people? What about the Chinese?

Look at “The Last Emperor.” That thing got nominated for eleven Academy Awards. It won nine, including Best Picture, but not a single nod to the fucking lead, John Lone, a Chinese man. Not even a fucking Golden Globe nomination.

Peter O'Toole is in, like, five minutes of that fucker and he got an Oscar nod! Tell me how that happens! Meanwhile, every white guy and his brother is getting the Asian girl in Hollywood.

Ralph Macchio in “The Karate Kid 2.”
Matt Dillon in “Golden Gate.”
Ethan Hawk in “Snow Falling on Cedars.”
The Rock(!) in “The Scorpion King.”
Lucy Liu gives it up to the man in everything.

Meanwhile, a Chionese guy getting a Cuacasian girl is strictly taboo. Where is the love for a Chinese brother? Ever see Jet Li do a screen kiss? Jackie Chan can’t get no love. The closest Jackie came to getting laid is getting it on with an Indian girl. Chow Yun Fat is one suave motherfucker, but he doesn't even get to hold a woman’s hand in an American movie.

If Bruce Lee can’t get laid in his American flicks, what chance do the rest of us Chinese men have? He was the coolest mother on the planet in 1973, and he never got no love.

The last time I saw John Lone in a movie, he was playing a villain, falling through the hood of a cab.

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I never thought I’d be labeled as the racially sensitive Chinese guy. After all, I was the kid in the sixth grade that did the comic strip named, “Ching-Chong, the Chinese Detective.”

Maybe it was mySpring trip to South Africa, but I find myself pointing out a lot of racist activity in my workplace.

Exhibit A: The (Client name) teriyaki commercial

While editing a commercial for (Client name) in South Africa, we engaged a composer in Los Angeles to do the music. Before we left for the shoot, we had all pretty much agreed on a completed percussive demo track. Fast Taiko drums to drive along the humorous martial arts action in the spot.

When we laid music back to picture, the group in South Africa was pretty happy. This includes myself (the art director), the agency producer, the director, the effects supervisor and the editor. We posted the Quicktime for the gang in San Francisco to review.

Next day came their verdict from up North. They hated it. “It doesn’t work” seemed to be the consensus from the writer, the creative director and the executive creative director. The comments….

“Not Asian enough.”

“Maybe more magical. More E.T.”

And the dreaded: “We’ll know it when we hear it.”

Okaaaay. We didn’t agree, but we dutifully called the composer and had him try a couple other things. Still not happy, it was decided we’d go to another music house.

The new composers sent four demo tracks two days later. In my opinion, none were as good as the original demo. One track was downright offensive. I had decided; any track but number three.
San Francisco called that night: “We like number three.”

I went ballistic. They had chosen the most racially offensive track on the CD. It was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” all the way. Coke-bottle glasses, slanted eyes and bucked-teeth offensive. This was talk-to-personnel-go-to-the-press offensive.

“What’s wrong with number three? Why is it offensive?”

“I can’t explain it to you… why is ‘Swing low Sweet Chariot’ offensive to African-Americans? It just is!”

I receive an e-mail from the account executive: “Ron, why do you find track number three so offensive? The old music was much more ORIENTAL.”

“Oriental”!?! (Cartoon steam spewing from my ears.)

We talked to the music guys and I explained my problems with track three. They got it right away. Two days later, we got a track that was still very Asian (Hell, almost Oriental), without being overtly offensive.

We presented to our Japanese clients and they approved everything. Make dubs, go to air.

Or so we thought.

Later that afternoon, they called back to say they found the music to be racially offensive. See, these clients were not only Japanese; they were very traditional Japanese. They did not want us to lose face, so they didn’t want to criticize the music to our faces.

The music was rearranged again with different instrumentation and the spot remixed, to the relief of our clients.

In a meeting after the initial client call, my boss looks at me and laughs.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re sitting there, thinking I told you so.”

I didn’t say a Goddamned thing. I just sat there, silently vindicated.

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Racially sensitive Ron, Exhibit B: The (Mexican restaurant client) Brainstorming session

While sitting in a brainstorming session for (Mexican restaurant client), one of the senior creatives blurts out a concept which involves a character meeting colorful people on his lunch break.

“Maybe our hero can meet a woman… someone Mexican… Juanita or Carmelito.”

I had to say something, “Oh, that’s not too racist.”

My writer responds, “Well, look at Ron… suddenly he’s got the pulse of everything racist.”

Sadly, I appear to be the only one in my office.

(A note from the author: Names have been omitted to protect the guilty.)

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When it rains, it pours. I've just read that "Tomb Raider 2" is set to come out next summer.

The villain is called Chen Lo and he's the head of a Chinese crime syndicate.

(STEAM POURS FROM RON'S EARS)

You think Chen Lo is going to get any love from Ms. Jolie?

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The Cape Town coastline

Whew, what a year.

This has been a weird twelve months for me. Let’s go down the list…

I was in New York, ten blocks from Ground Zero, on 9-11. I shared a unique experience with that city, an experience unlike that which was going on here in San Francisco. I don’t think you can fully appreciate what New Yorkers went through that day and over the last year.

Selfishly speaking, I almost thought it was worse for us, the out of towners. After all, at least New Yorkers had their homes, their loved ones. Us outsiders were stuck in hotels, with no way to get home. Being stuck in the restricted area, we had no phone service in the hotel. My cell wasn’t working because of our proximity to the fallen signal towers. We had to trek 20 blocks north to get a call out. No laundry service. All the restaurants were closed and the hotel was only serving appetizers (boo hoo for the ad man… cry me a fucking river, Ron).

In April, I left North America for the first time. I went pretty much as far as you can go... practically the other side of the world. I spent five weeks in Cape Town, South Africa shooting and editing a spot. I saw a lot of rich people and a lot more poor people.

I went to Robbin Island where they imprisoned Nelson Mandela for 26 years. I looked into the small cell where they kept him all those years. I walked in the yard he walked in. I saw the limestone quarry where he labored, day after day.

The gates of the prison at Robbin Island

I ate lots of shellfish at ridulously low prices. I saw lions, springbok, elephants, hippos, giraffes and zebras... lots of zebras. Hell, I ate springbok. I saw great white sharks.

I walked alongside penguins at the tip of South Africa.

My wife and I bought our first home. Big mortgage payments mean big worries with each shift in the economic landscape. Worry, worry, worry. Buying furniture should be fun, but it is hard, time-consuming work. Ask any homeowner.

One of my best friends died last month. We’ve known each other since high school. I was a pallbearer. Last night, at the one month mark, we did Navajo chants at his house to help him along to the next world. I smoked a pipe. The first smoking I've done since the fourth grade.

What a year. It’s been weird.

Schools in South Africa are a little... different

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So one year later, less than six hours away from the anniversary, what does 9-11 all mean?

It means a corrupt White House is using American’s current state of mind to fuel war sentiment. I was supported the war in Afghanistan, but it appears that little if anything was accomplished. The only result seems to be a total destabilization of the Middle East. The Arab world is more pissed at the U.S. than ever. Our European allies are deserting us, save for lapdog Blair.

What results can they point at to make us believe our war on the Taliban was successful? Do they have Bin Laden? Do you feel safer?

Tonight they're parking surface to air missiles all over Washington, D.C. I'm not exactly sure what this is supposed to accomplish. Let's say a plane gets hijacked. They shoot it down. Hooray! The White House is saved! Meanwhile, big hunks of planes are falling over residential neighborhoods.

Feel better?

Yeah, yeah, we’re breaking up their financial pipeline and freezing assets. Where’s the infrared shots of bridges blowing up? We’re eating our frozen dinners on TV trays and want our missile footage dammit!

The United States is past the time when we can bully around the rest of the world. Like a middle aged man going through his fifth wife, we need to take a good long look in the mirror. We need to ask ourselves why everyone hates us? Maybe we are assholes.

I’m not excusing 9-11. What happened was a reprehensible act of animals. Murder is inexcusable. But until we can point the fingers at ourselves, we are hypocrites.

Dubya’s street gang doing all it can to start an unprovoked war with Iraq. Sure, Iraq is developing weapons of mass destruction. Yes, they need to be stopped. The issue is that when Iraq seems most open to re-admitting to U.N. inspections, Cheney is huffing his chest out and proclaiming that war is the only solution to the situation.

What gives us the right to go around issuing “final warnings?” How is that any more legitimate than Al Qaeda issuing final warnings? They say Al Queda is lead by a madman.

Well, we’re being lead by George W. Bush.

What they forgot to tell you is that Iraq isn’t the only country developing chemical warfare. North Korea is doing it. And China. Um, and Iran too. Oh yeah, and the United States. Yup. We’re making chemical weapons of mass destruction. Probably testing them on puppies too.

I was in New York on 9-11-01. I heard the first plane roar overhead and watched the impact of the second plane. I saw both towers fall. I was outraged. I called for Bin Laden’s head.

I’m still waiting. Habeas corpus.

So until we satisfy American’s need for (lack of a better word) “revenge,” I don’t think we should be invading any more countries, especially when unprovoked.

Last time out, we were fighting for the Kuwaitis, not oil (wink, wink). Okay, a stretch, but I can see how to make that one work. What the Hell are we fighting for this time?

What Dubya is saying is this: we gotta get them, before they get us.

Yeah, but what if the Muslim countries banded together against the U.S.? What is all those Muslims decide that the United States have been developing weapons of mass destruction (well, we have) and need to be stopped. What if the used the same rhetoric… “we can’t wait until a burning mosque is our smoking gun!”

Um, by the way, Muslims outnumber Christians, like two-to-one. In a Holy War, we’d be totally fucked.

I’m not necessarily advocating peace at any cost; I’m no hippie. I’m just saying, one war at a time.

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Some "light" reading:

The Rationale for Invading Iraq

Why Bush and Co. must be stopped now

CounterPunch

Iraq and the Bush Administrations

How we got here:

What the Supreme Court Did

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