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Posted
9:00pm,
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
Spokesmen
The
return of the Unknown Comic?
No,
not that paper bag wearing stand-up from the 70’s.
(Am I aging myself here or what?) I’m talking about
all these guys selling stuff on TV.
You
know… the smug spokesmen that are obviously stand-up
comics. Unfortunately for the advertisers, we don’t
know who the fuck these comics are. Are we supposed to?
Do the advertisers presume that we would know these bastards?
Or worse yet, are we supposed to want to know?
They
seem to want to build up these characters and make them
familiar with consumers, yet they are unwilling to invest
in real talent to sell their shit.
Like
that annoying guy in the Subway commercials. Who the fuck
is he? Are we supposed to recognize him? His cadence in
delivery suggests he’s some sort of stand-up that
the creative team discovered in a club. I watch Comedy Central
all the time; I have no idea who that guy is. Maybe he’s
fucking hilarious, but we’ll never know. The ad agency
and the client have given him nothing funny to say.
Worse,
that guy in the (Mexican fast food chain*) value menu spots.
He goes around insulting people and their lack of knowledge
in (Mexican fast food chain’s) value menu. Now, I
know that guy is a comic; I saw him on Letterman and found
him to be entertaining. But Jesus, the boring crap he spews
in the name of selling tacos.
I
guess it makes sense to try to create a star rather than
hire one. Hell, why not? It worked with that Dell kid and
the Seven-Up guy. At least the creative team gave him funny
stuff to do. The commercials and a burgeoning movie career
turned Orlando Jones into a minor star. Yet when it was
time for Seven-Up to re-up (no pun intended) Mr. Jones,
they opted not to pay him the big bucks. Instead they’re
going with a new Seven-Up Yours guy, who by the way, isn't
nearly as good as Orlando.
The
flip side of this problem is actually hiring someone famous.
I have to agree with an assessment I recently read regarding
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s use of Jason Alexander as
a spokesman. To paraphrase something I read somewhere, they’ve
taken a quarter of the greatest comedy ensemble in the history
of television and ruined his career. I do have to caveat
this a bit. I think “Bob Patterson” put a bullet
in his career, KFC simply finished it off.
Maybe
it just runs in Jason Alexander’s blood. In researching
this column, I discovered that He “sang and danced
in a McDonald's ‘McDLT’ sandwich commercial
in 1985.”
Hopefully his luck will improve when his voice appears in
Disney’s “101 Dalmations II,” which is
not to be confused with Disney’s “102 Dalmations”
or Disney’s “Hunchback of Notre Dame II,”
in which Alexander’s voice also appears.
Quite
a niche you've carved out for yourself Jason.
*A
note from the author: The name of the Mexican fast food
chain has been omitted to protect my job.
::Permalink::
Posted
11:40pm,
Sunday, August 25, 2002
Blogs
Last
week's issue of Newsweek had a feature article on Blogs.
What the Hell is a Blog you might ask. I wondered the same
thing. Well, you’re reading one now.
Apparently,
Blog is the name for an online diary, told in backward sequential
order. Which means the most recent updates are at the top
of the page, and past posts are beneath it. Supposedly,
there are estimated to be over 500,000 Blogs on the web.
Fuck.
I didn’t realize what a bandwagon jumper I was.
I
guess I’ve seen other Blogs, but hadn’t really
thought of them as diaries. They just seemed like articles
to me. Jeez, I hope mine is not as boring as some of the
ones I’ve read elsewhere.
::Permalink::
Posted
11:59pm,
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Burying
a friend
I
spent the weekend preparing for my friend Marc Wisdom's funeral.
Marc was 36. Saturday night, we went to his house to help
prepare photos for the ceremony. My buddy Dave and I are both
art directors, so his wife wanted us to put together something
tasteful.
She
also wanted us to poke fun at Marc.
Every
year at Christmas, Dave custom designed gift cards for Marc.
He would Photoshop his face onto other people's bodies and
insert him into funny situations. We have been doing this
since high school. Back then, it was an ad on how to pick-up
girls. We put his head on a bodybuilder's body.
Last
Christmas, Marc became an action movie star on the cover of
his own DVD collection. This summer for his birthday, he became
the star of “Wistalkers,” a war movie he “starred
in” with Nicolas Cage.
So
we went through photos of Marc. We went through his extensive
collection of autographs. We knew Marc collected celebrity
signatures, but we had no idea of how big his hobby had become.
He had three or four boxes full of 8x10 glossies of famous
people. Most of them were signed. His step-daughter said he
would buy photos in the event that he might meet some of these
people. Evidently, he met a lot of them.
Marc
was a huge Journey fan. He followed them through high school
and until the day he died. It didn't matter to him who was
fronting the band. He was into Steve Algieri just as much
as he was into Steve Perry. He had dozens of photos of the
band. He went to every in-store signing and several backstage
events. There were lots of pictures of him with the band.
Plenty of fodder for us to make fun of Marc.
We
put him in pictures with Journey, Bill Cosby and the comedian
Sinbad. Thanks to the magic of digital retouching, he was
rocking out with the band. He had a People's Choice Award.
We wrote funny captions. Marc would have wet himself if he
saw what we did to him. We knew it and his wife knew it.
He
was famous for his laugh. It was loud, boisterous laugh that
was infectious. Once you heard Marc laugh, you would find
yourself laughing. Guaranteed.
On
Sunday, I went to the visitation, an open casket viewing.
None of his family could bear it. They had just gone through
a touch and go week at the hospital and the sight of their
son-husband-brother would have been too much.
His
wife sent clothes to the mortuary to dress him. It was classic
Marc. He was wearing a Journey t-shirt and denim shorts. It
was so fitting an outfit for him. He had a grin and looked
comfortable. He probably looked so restive because he had
done everything a man could want. He had a loving wife and
two daughters. He had many friends. He held a decent job.
He supported his family. He was content. Here was a man who
loved everybody and in turn, was loved by everybody he ever
met.
Marc
was draped in an Indian blanket. He was adopted at two months
old. In his mid-twenties, he rediscovered his roots. He went
to Indian pow-wows. He changed back his name legally to Wisdom.
He started searching for his birth parents. He found his mother.
He became a part of the Indian community in the East Bay.
He met his wife through his new contacts there. His family
grew.
I
spoke to Marc at the visitation, the same way I did at the
hospital days before. The same way I had spoken to him since
he passed away. Because he can hear me without me having to
utter a word. I didn't say goodbye. I just told him to take
care and not to worry about us.
Yesterday
afternoon, I buried my friend of 20 years. I was a pallbearer.
Caskets
are damn heavy.
It
was the first time anyone of my friends has died. I had been
to lots of funerals before, but those were always for the
elderly: my two grandfathers, one of my grandmothers. This
was a guy I went to high school with.
It
was the coolest funeral I ever went to.
I
haven't laughed so hard in months. There was an open mic and
people just came up and told their Marc stories.
Everyone
mentioned his laugh. Lots of people mentioned his love of
Journey. A couple of people ended their stories with “Rock
on Marc.” He called everyone “dude.”
Because
of his adoption, his family was big and varied. He had three
fathers in his life. He never did meet his birth father. He
had two mothers. He had one brother and three sisters. He
had one wife and two daughters. He had dozens of family members.
He had hundreds of friends.
This
was a man who touched everyone he ever met. Someone said yesterday
that they never heard Marc utter an ill word about anyone.
I thought about this. It was true. In 20 years of friendship,
I had never heard him say anything negative about anyone…
ever.
Who
do you know that you can you say that about?
::Permalink::
Posted
10:25pm,
Thursday, August 8, 2002
Gone.
Just
before 10pm I received word that my friend Marc passed away
this afternoon.
I
knew it was coming,
but it hits hard. A week ago, he was fine. Yesterday afternoon,
he still had a chance. I held his hand and talked to him.
Monday,
my friends Dave and Mike and I will be pallbearers. This is
the first time one of my friends has passed away.
My
hands are trembling as I type this. My heart hurts. I'm listening
to Peter Gabriel. That's the only thing on my computer that
seems comforting.
I
feel weird. Sharing everything... but then that's exactly what
I created this new column for. A sort of diary or journal of
events. Forgive me if I ramble... it's all just flowing out.
Marc
was the posterboy for living right. He never ate bad foods,
he worked out.
His
favorite drink was milk.
I
keep having to pause and take deep breaths. I pause to collect
my thoughts.
I
can't believe he's gone. That's all I have for now.
Sorry.
::Permalink::
Posted
9:10pm,
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
Prayer
It's
Wednesday night, just after 9pm. I posted an update about an
hour ago.
I
just found out that one of my best friends is going to die.
I
just went to visit Marc in the hospital this afternoon. He can't
die. He's just a year older than me. It doesn't feel real.
About
six weeks ago, he went in for a routine check-up. The doctor
discovered an irregular heartbeat. After a few x-rays and tests,
it was determined that he lived his entire life with only three
chambers in his heart, instead of the usual four. It was unusual
he lasted this long. They had to have corrective surgery immediately.
He
was in good spirits the last time I spoke to him about three
weeks ago, upbeat.
This
isn't real.
So
the doctors told him he had to have a value put in. The choice
was his: pig values or artificial valves. The artificial valves
were a relatively new procedure and perhaps not as reliable
as the pig valves. On the other hand, pig valves have to be
replaced every six years. He opted for the artificial valves.
We
kept in close contact with his wife, Cathy. The operation on
Thursday went well. Still groggy from the anesthesia, Marc gave
her two thumbs up.
Saturday,
he had trouble breathing and was turning white. They returned
him to the ICU. Monday morning, he went into cardiac arrest.
My
friend Dave visited him yesterday and went with me today. Everyone
said he was doing much better. His heart, kidneys and blood
pressure were normal again.
I
went in three times to see him this afternoon, each time saying
positive things. The doctors said to bring his friends and keep
him positive. I held his hand. It was warm. He looked like Marc,
except asleep with his eyes open.
We
joked with him. We told him he had to recover so he could go
see his favorite band, Journey. Marc was always a sucker for
80's rock.
The
neurologist arrived just after 5pm and we had to leave the ICU.
We decided to go home. We'd come back Friday. I came home and
posted a new column. I was online, so Dave couldn't call me.
I got an e-mail around 8:05pm.
ron-
call me now.
dave
I
called him and got the news. Our friend Mike just left the hospital.
Marc wasn't going to make it. The neurologist got negative readings
from his brain. They're doing a cat scan tomorrow to confirm,
but they said he probably won't make it. There were tears all
around. His brother asked Mike to pass along the news to us.
It
doesn't feel real.
I
can't cry. I don't know why that is. Maybe this past year of
turmoil has made me insensitive. I don't know. I'm a bit teary
eyed, but the tears won't flow. I want to cry.
Marc
will leave behind a wife and two daughters, including a four
year-old. He just bought her a kitten last week.
I
hope that bitch is wrong. I hope the cat scan shows that everything
is alright. Maybe the neurologist is full of shit. When she
came in the room, she didn't have any testing equipment.
We
need a miracle. It doesn't look good, but I'm going to pray
for Marc tonight.
::Permalink::
Posted
8:05pm,
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
Fan
Boy Orgy
I
just got back Sunday from Comic-Con International in San Diego,
an annual geekfest for fan boys like myself. I go to score original
art and to check out the movie panels. It's a four day orgy
of comic book heaven.
In
addition to all the stereotypical fan boy types, i.e. goatee
sporting, fedora wearing, bad b.o., obese, acne-ridden, mouth
breathers, there were a lot of babes around this year. A welcome
sight and relief from the usual rabble.
From
a news article:
The population of strangely-shaped folks in embarrassing costumes,
and hefty fanboys was actually swallowed up in the throng
of-well, people, of all ages, incomes and interests. One male
attendee was overheard saying the unthinkable: "I don't
really like comics, I just came to check out the girls."
I
saw Aimee Mann rush by me Sunday morning, head down, trying
to look inconspicuous. Saturday afternoon, I inadvertently insulted
Gwen Stephani's brother, Eric. I was looking at some animation
cels when he asked me who drew them. During our conversation,
I kept getting the feeling that I had seen this guy somewhere
before. I told him he was really familiar to me and looked at
his badge: Eric Stephani.
“Oh,
Gwen's brother.”
“Er-yeah,
but I'm also an animator.”
I
quickly recovered and moved on, but felt terrible afterwards.
I didn't mean to associate him with Gwen, but considering I
recognized him from the VH1 Behind the Music on No Doubt, I
thought it beared mentioning her name. I didn't care that his
sister was a rock star; I just wanted to say where I remembered
him from. Eric, if you're reading this, I apologize.
Elves need cookies too
I
did swing by the autograph area and was surprised to find Phil
Morris, son of Greg and the actor behind Jackie Childs on "Seinfeld."
I asked him what happened to the proposed spin-off show and
he told me Castle Rock decided to do "The Michael Richards
Show" instead. Stinker. The Jackie Childs show would have
kicked major ass.
Anyway,
his next gig is Fox's mid-season replacement "Wanda Out
Loud." Phil is playing a conservative talk show host who
tussles with a liberal host played by comedienne Wanda Sykes.
Wanda is seriously funny so this show should rock. He asked
me what the funniest show on TV is right now and we both agreed
that it has to be Larry David's "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
After finding common ground on both Wanda and Larry David, Phil
had to congratulate me on my excellent taste... and I on his.
I
sprung for a photo and he signed it with a Jackism: "Your
face is my case." Pretty fucking cool.
Not
a lot of great Spider-man art for me this time out, but there
were phenonemal movie panels. Loads of surprise guests. My guess
is that the studios took a look at “Spider-man's”
box office and decided to speak to the fans. Last year, Sam
Raimi premiered five minutes of “Spider-man” to
an enthusiastic Comic Con crowd and I'm sure the Hollywood big
wigs thought they could repeat the feat.
First
up, Thursday's panel for Hellboy. On hand were creator Mike
Mignola, director Guiermo del Toro (“Mimic,” “Blade
2”) and Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman (“Alien Resurrection,”
“Blade 2”). Del Toro is a hilarious guy who favors
profanities. His opening remarks about the exclusive collectible
print went something like this: “We didn't want to give
away a fucking keychain or a fucking sticker. We wanted to give
you something you would actually want.” Bodes well for
the movie.
"No fucking keychains!"
Saturday
was the big movie day though. All the studios came out to push
their upcoming slates. Last year it was “Lord of the Rings”
and “Planet of the Apes.” A lot of big surprises
on this year's panels.
The
Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times dubbed it the Cannes
Film Festival for comic book fans, which would be wholly accurate.
A good part of the San Diego panels is the Q&A. What other
opportunity will you have to ask Hollywood big wigs questions?
We
entered the main ballroom during Paramount's “Star Trek:
Nemesis” presentation. We just missed seeing Hilary Swank
talking about her upcoming film “Core.” Standard
stuff for Trek. Marina Sirtis showed slides from the movie.
We
sat through the panel for the film adaption of “Bulletproof
Monk” starring Chow Yun Fat, Seann William Scott and Jamie
King. Scott and King were on hand for the Q&A. A few questions
asking about the possibility of “Seriously Dude, where's
my car?” Judging from the box office, probably not happening.
This
was followed by a preview of “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.”
Antonio Banderas didn't show up, but co-stars Lucy Liu (“Ally
McBeal,” “Charlie's Angels”) and Ray Park
(X-Men,” “The Phantom Menace”) did. Liu talked
about the plight of Asian actors in Hollywood and how she's
had to fight for every roll.
The
next panel was for “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.”
Surprise guests on this panel included three of the four hobbits:
Elijah Wood, Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan. Not a lot in this
footage that wasn't already seen in the trailer. Good for the
hardcore Tolkien guys, but standard fare for the rest of us.
Then
came the big Warner Brother's presentation. They previewed the
“Animatrix” DVD which is going to coincide with
the release of the “Matrix” sequels next year. Looked
okay. Then a bit of Harry Potter. Whatever.
Next
up, a filmed intro to the “Dreamcatcher” panel by
director Lawrence Kasden. This movie's got a pretty good pedigree:
a Stephen King novel, a William Goldman script and Kasden. Stars
Jason Lee (“Chasing Amy,” “Vanilla Sky”)
and Timothy Olyphant (“Go,” “Gone in 60 Seconds”)
were on hand for the Q&A. The Kevin Smith fans trolled for
Smith dialogue while Olyphant went largely ignored by the Comic
Con audience, played for great comic effect by the two actors.
The
big deal was supposed to be director Jonathan Mostow with the
first footage from “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.”
But the real big surprise was the appearance of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
He told a few bad jokes and generally entertained the crowd
of 4000. I've got a few pictures of the projection screen, but
didn't rush the stage to get good photos. Pretty cool to have
Arnold on hand. My buddy Dave and I couldn't stop laughing though.
It was so surreal to be in the same room, hearing his Austrian
accent.
"Hasta la vista, fan boys!"
A
fan asked Mostow if he would destroy this franchise like another
director destroyed another Warner Brothers' franchise. It was
clear he was refering to the Batman films. After Tim Burton
did two installments, Joel Schumacher is generally acknowledged
to have destroyed the franchise.
Then
came a clip from Steven Soderbergh's upcoming sci-fi flick “Solaris'
starring George Clooney. Soderburgh and Clooney didn't show
up, but the producer did. James Cameron! This director has an
Oscar, but he's here to selling to fan boys.
The
five minute clip was a suspenseful scene of Clooney arriving
on a space station to investigate and evaluate the mental faculties
of the crew. Instead, he discovers a trail of blood and slowly
follows it. The clip ended before we discover what Clooney finds,
but it was pretty interesting nonetheless. Cameron pitched as
a heartbreaking movie about relationships between men and women
and called Clooney's performance Oscar-caliber. Sounds fascinating.
"I'm the king of the con!"
Universal
was there with producers James Franco and Gale Ann Hurd to talk
about “The Hulk.” The surprise guest here was the
director, Oscar winner Ang Lee. Pretty impressive talent for
a comic con audience. He showed some stills, but did not reveal
the Hulk's appearance. He confirmed that the picture is over
budget. Uneventful panel except for the director's presense.
Last
but not least, the 20th Century Fox presentation. First up,
director Bryan Singer with a new teaser for “X2”
(X-Men 2). They've only been shooting for three weeks, but the
material was outstanding. No special effects, just practical
stuff, but surprisingly impressive. This one already looks like
a winner.
They
closed out the movie panels with director Mark Steven Johnson
presenting the first extended clips from “Daredevil.”
His surprise guest was Ben Affleck. They talked about the character
and his story arc. Johnson and Affleck are huge fans of the
comic and were there to assure the audience that they'd be happy
with the movie.
The
studios know that genre flicks like these need fan approval
to become mainstream hits. Afterall, fan buzz on the internet
destroyed “Batman and Robin.” Again, the bad buzz
surrounding Schumacher's take on the Caped Crusader.
In
Affleck's words, “If you guys don't like the movie, then
we're really fucked.”
"We're really fucked."
Well
said.
Best
question during the Q&A was when a fan stepped up to the
mic and quoted “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”…
“Yo
Affleck! You was da bomb in Phantoms!”
"Worst column ever!"
::Permalink::
Posted
11:27pm,
Tuesday, August 6, 2002
Meet
the Rip-offs
About
a week and a half ago, I wrote about the startling similarities
between "Meet the Parents" and NBC's two new programs,
"Meet My Folks" and "In-Laws." Well apparently,
Universal's lawyers are keeping a close eye on NBC as well.
Entertainment
Weekly reports that their lawyers have decided not to pursue
a lawsuit... yet. I'd say they have a pretty good case against
"Folks"... those dumbshits even ripped off the lie
detector from "Parents."
Look for a big update tomorrow about my trip to the San Diego
Comic-Con.
::Permalink::
©2002
Ron Lim unless noted
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