The latest
incident was Wednesday when she almost
dropped the baby in the street. Check
out the photos...
she almost dropped her baby, but managed
to hold onto her drink. Hey, hot tip
girlfriend... DROP THE FUCKING DRINK!
And where's
Britney's mom? Shouldn't she be giving
Britney all kinds of shit? Seriously,
someone has got to come in take this
kid away from her. She's a menace.
STEPHEN
COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen. Before I begin, I've
been asked to make an announcement.
Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof
S.U.V.'s out front, could you please
move them? They are blocking in
14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s
and they need to get out.
Wow.
Wow, what an honor. The White House
correspondents' dinner. To actually
sit here, at the same table with
my hero, George W. Bush, to be
this close to the man. I feel like
I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me.
You know what? I'm a pretty sound
sleeper -- that may not be enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight?
Dammit. The one guy who could have
helped.
By
the way, before I get started,
if anybody needs anything else
at their tables, just speak slowly
and clearly into your table numbers.
Somebody from the NSA will be right
over with a cocktail. Mark Smith,
ladies and gentlemen of the press
corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President,
my name is Stephen Colbert and
tonight it's my privilege to celebrate
this president. We're not so different,
he and I. We get it. We're not
brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're
not members of the factinista.
We go straight from the gut, right
sir? That's where the truth lies,
right down here in the gut. Do
you know you have more nerve endings
in your gut than you have in your
head? You can look it up. I know
some of you are going to say "I
did look it up, and that's not
true." That's 'cause you looked
it up in a book.
Next
time, look it up in your gut. I
did. My gut tells me that's how
our nervous system works. Every
night on my show, the Colbert Report,
I speak straight from the gut,
OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered
by rational argument. I call it
the "No Fact Zone." Fox
News, I hold a copyright on that
term.
I'm
a simple man with a simple mind.
I hold a simple set of beliefs
that I live by. Number one, I believe
in America. I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I
feel that it extends from the Atlantic
to the Pacific, and I strongly
believe it has 50 states. And I
cannot wait to see how the Washington
Post spins that one tomorrow. I
believe in democracy. I believe
democracy is our greatest export.
At least until China figures out
a way to stamp it out of plastic
for three cents a unit.
In
fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong,
welcome. Your great country makes
our Happy Meals possible. I said
it's a celebration. I believe the
government that governs best is
the government that governs least.
And by these standards, we have
set up a fabulous government in
Iraq.
I
believe in pulling yourself up
by your own bootstraps. I believe
it is possible -- I saw this guy
do it once in Cirque du Soleil.
It was magical. And though I am
a committed Christian, I believe
that everyone has the right to
their own religion, be you Hindu,
Jewish or Muslim. I believe there
are infinite paths to accepting
Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies
and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt.
But I refuse to believe it's not
butter. Most of all, I believe
in this president.
Now,
I know there are some polls out
there saying this man has a 32%
approval rating. But guys like
us, we don't pay attention to the
polls. We know that polls are just
a collection of statistics that
reflect what people are thinking
in "reality."
And reality has a well-known liberal
bias.
So,
Mr. President, please, pay no attention
to the people that say the glass
is half full. 32% means the glass
-- it's important to set up your
jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no
attention to the people who say
the glass is half empty, because
32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's
still some liquid in that glass
is my point, but I wouldn't drink
it. The last third is usually backwash.
Okay, look, folks, my point is
that I don't believe this is a
low point in this presidency. I
believe it is just a lull before
a comeback.
I
mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All
right. The president in this case
is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed
is -- everything else in the world.
It's the tenth round. He's bloodied.
His corner man, Mick, who in this
case I guess would be the vice
president, he's yelling, "Cut
me, Dick, cut me!," and every
time he falls everyone says, "Stay
down! Stay down!" Does he
stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets
back up, and in the end he -- actually,
he loses in the first movie.
OK.
Doesn't matter. The point is it
is the heart-warming story of a
man who was repeatedly punched
in the face. So don't pay attention
to the approval ratings that say
68% of Americans disapprove of
the job this man is doing. I ask
you this, does that not also logically
mean that 68% approve of the job
he's not doing? Think about it.
I haven't.
I
stand by this man. I stand by this
man because he stands for things.
Not only for things, he stands
on things. Things like aircraft
carriers and rubble and recently
flooded city squares. And that
sends a strong message: that no
matter what happens to America,
she will always rebound -- with
the most powerfully staged photo
ops in the world.
Now,
there may be an energy crisis.
This president has a very forward-thinking
energy policy. Why do you think
he's down on the ranch cutting
that brush all the time? He's trying
to create an alternative energy
source. By 2008 we will have a
mesquite-powered car!
And
I just like the guy. He's a good
joe. Obviously loves his wife,
calls her his better half. And
polls show America agrees. She's
a true lady and a wonderful woman.
But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm
sorry, but this reading initiative.
I'm sorry, I've never been a fan
of books. I don't trust them. They're
all fact, no heart. I mean, they're
elitist, telling us what is or
isn't true, or what did or didn't
happen. Who's Britannica to tell
me the Panama Canal was built in
1914? If I want to say it was built
in 1941, that's my right as an
American! I'm with the president,
let history decide what did or
did not happen.
The
greatest thing about this man is
he's steady. You know where he
stands. He believes the same thing
Wednesday that he believed on Monday,
no matter what happened Tuesday.
Events can change; this man's beliefs
never will. As excited as I am
to be here with the president,
I am appalled to be surrounded
by the liberal media that is destroying
America, with the exception of
Fox News. Fox News gives you both
sides of every story: the president's
side, and the vice president's
side.
But
the rest of you, what are you thinking,
reporting on NSA wiretapping or
secret prisons in eastern Europe?
Those things are secret for a very
important reason: they're super-depressing.
And if that's your goal, well,
misery accomplished. Over the last
five years you people were so good
-- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence,
the effect of global warming. We
Americans didn't want to know,
and you had the courtesy not to
try to find out. Those were good
times, as far as we knew.
But,
listen, let's review the rules.
Here's how it works: the president
makes decisions. He's the decider.
The press secretary announces those
decisions, and you people of the
press type those decisions down.
Make, announce, type. Just put
'em through a spell check and go
home. Get to know your family again.
Make love to your wife. Write that
novel you got kicking around in
your head. You know, the one about
the intrepid Washington reporter
with the courage to stand up to
the administration. You know -
fiction!
Because
really, what incentive do these
people have to answer your questions,
after all? I mean, nothing satisfies
you. Everybody asks for personnel
changes. So the White House has
personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh,
they're just rearranging the deck
chairs on the Titanic." First
of all, that is a terrible metaphor.
This administration is not sinking.
This administration is soaring.
If anything, they are rearranging
the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now,
it's not all bad guys out there.
Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley,
Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer.
They've all been on my show. By
the way, Mr. President, thank you
for agreeing to be on my show.
I was just as shocked as everyone
here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday
for you? I've got Frank Rich, but
we can bump him. And I mean bump
him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See
who we've got here tonight. General
Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff.
General Peter Pace, Chairman of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They
still support Rumsfeld. Right,
you guys aren't retired yet, right?
Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look,
by the way, I've got a theory about
how to handle these retired generals
causing all this trouble: don't
let them retire! Come on, we've
got a stop-loss program; let's
use it on these guys. I've seen
Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer.
If you're strong enough to go on
one of those pundit shows, you
can stand on a bank of computers
and order men into battle. Come
on.
Jesse
Jackson is here, the Reverend.
Haven't heard from the Reverend
in a little while. I had him on
the show. Very interesting and
challenging interview. You can
ask him anything, but he's going
to say what he wants, at the pace
that he wants. It's like boxing
a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor,
by the way, because your grandchildren
will have no idea what a glacier
is.
Justice
Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May
I be the first to say, you look
fantastic. How are you? [After
each sentence, Colbert makes a
hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's
recent use of an obscene Sicilian
hand gesture in speaking to a reporter
about Scalia's critics. Scalia
is seen laughing hysterically.]
Just talking some Sicilian with
my paisan.
John
McCain is here. John McCain, John
McCain, what a maverick! Somebody
find out what fork he used on his
salad, because I guarantee you
it wasn't a salad fork. This guy
could have used a spoon! There's
no predicting him. By the way,
Senator McCain, it's so wonderful
to see you coming back into the
Republican fold. I have a summer
house in South Carolina; look me
up when you go to speak at Bob
Jones University. So glad you've
seen the light, sir.
Mayor
Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from
New Orleans, the chocolate city!
Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin,
I'd like to welcome you to Washington,
D.C., the chocolate city with a
marshmallow center. And a graham
cracker crust of corruption. It's
a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm
describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe
Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right
down here in front, the most famous
husband since Desi Arnaz. And of
course he brought along his lovely
wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god.
[looks horrified] Oh, what have
I said? I -- I am sorry, Mr. President,
I meant to say he brought along
his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife.
Patrick Fitzgerald is not here
tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And,
of course, we can't forget the
man of the hour, new press secretary,
Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow
Job."
Toughest job. What a hero. Took the
second toughest job in government,
next to, of course, the ambassador
to Iraq.
Got
some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big
shoes to fill. Scott McClellan
could say nothing like nobody else.
McClellan, of course, eager to
retire. Really felt like he needed
to spend more time with Andrew
Card's children. Mr. President,
I wish you hadn't made the decision
so quickly, sir.
I
was vying for the job myself. I
think I would have made a fabulous
press secretary. I have nothing
but contempt for these people.
I know how to handle these clowns...
Members
of the White House Correspondents
Association, Madame First Lady,
Mr. President, it's been a true
honor. Thank you very much. Good
night!
